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...dance · your · ass · off...
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I'm in a silly kinda withdrawl I can't drink when I want, I can't party when I want, I can't fool around when I want ( as easily that is ;)) school SUCKS I love the social part but i think i may have been up to too much this summer.. i can't wait till this weekend cuz i'm going MAD. I need!! to get back to crazy having a good time, this will not do. My life is SO boring! I'm getting ahead in school so i can party this weekend. HOW SAD IS THAT? when truth is i should be making clothing. w/eves. nbd. i'll get over this soon enough.
Just feels like last year me an sarah were partying like every night and going crazy... I MISS CRAZY!!!!!! On that note. I am SOOO glad sarah is back! Our apartment is amazing and everything is great ish ( with exception to my apparent addiction to alcohol and partying). |
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What a year it's been. school will be coming soon, here comes another tide of change. I'm still figuring out all the things that has happened to me this year from last sept to literally an hour ago. where will this take me, leave me, and how will it effect me. why do I fall for the people I do, and do I really fall? I know half the time i'm just entertaining myself Do I want to be with someone? I don't want to be left behind in the future but is it a lack of security or a need for this phantom love that everyone keeps talking about that is planting this urge. Or maybe just mob mentality. Will this year be the same, will we come back changed, will I still have my best friend. I talk about Sarah so much, but she's the most family I have, it sucks that someone matters to me so much, that I can rely on someone so much. I've always been independent but to put so much worth on another human scares the shit out of me. She's the sister I never had, and the only person who knows me so well that I don't even have to speak. and we've only known each other for 2 years. I'm so grateful that I have a friend like this, I'm the luckiest person in the world for this reason alone. Back to boys.. I'm still thinking about all that has happened in the past two weeks. Am I destined to be nothing but a booty call cuz I'm not comfortable letting someone in. I don't even know how to put my guard down. I don't know the first damn step. I've tried I think . I guess if i have to say "I think" then I wasn't really trying was I. I'm too young to worry about all this drama, but It's just a part of me that I can't ignore. AND now an opportunity that required no guard to be dropped has appeared and suddenly I want more. I would wouldnt I? ha ha |
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This isn't fair. Isn't Fair ISN"T FAIR I was so happy! just chilling doing my own thing. for the first time all year long and then my birthday happened.
then my good friend made up a rumor about me and someone else I work with... that everyone believed.
And a 3 30 in the morn booty call
My best friend has been away forever:( and Kat has moved out So i'm alone in my apartment feeling like shit wanting to rewind to before my birthday. This sucks, a lot.
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Okay so watched the movie crash... so intense struck so hard. i'm reverbing right now like crazy. this is no disney movie, there is no happy ending just the truth. At one point I just got plain mad because aren't movies supposed to take us away from reality not throw it in our faces? the point of this was not entertainment, it was artistic and real. It had a purpose and as much as i would have liked to watch something that made me walk away with faith and hope walking away with understanding and a thought is just as good and important. It makes me wonder why we even waste our time with fluff, but i know why we do. It's the same reason i read trashy magazines during exams: some times we need to just not think.
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I just had all my insecurities and truths laid out in front of me. Harsh to hear, but i knew it all already so why does it bother me so much. truth: the hardest part was finding out sarah had predicted what i would do before I did it and was dead on and I never knew. It freaks me out that someone can predict me so well. i knew i could predict her and i kinda thought that our friendship was one sided. That i knew her better that she knew me, but apparently I was very wrong. somehow for some silly reason that freaks me out? Why didn't she tell me what I was going to do instead of telling others.. would have helped me out a little. But she'll never know that. I miss her so much and its only been a month... she's almost more my family than my real family is and I don't know how I would survive without her.
Urrggghhh and I let him keep texting me...thats four guys that have fallen for both of us in one year...........
Current Mood: |
 anxious | |
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K everyone STOP breaking up, I can only deal with so much sobbing on my shoulder at one time. Well i don't mean that, it just sucks to see soo many of my friends go through this. :( and there are other problems.. like being put in the middle of all of these. Note to self: don't become friends with both side of the relationship.. will be put in bad situation. which is the case of almost all of these situations. Confession time: some people who aren't broken up should be. Some people who are shouldnt be. Some are just what should have happened. some.. may be single now which could lead to some personal danger.... 1)There were two girls up on that roof that night and I knew you chose wrong and I think you do too now. 2) "I wish she was more like you" should simply NEVER be uttered.... ever... i don't care how much you think you are going to break up with my good friend. 3) I told you so just seems mean to say now. But I did..... 4) you are a mess darling...i can't pick up your pieces for you. On the up side? the threat of that quad date is def gone out the window now that more then half can't exactly participate.
My boxes are all a mess and now i need to sort them in my head. I feel like i'm dealing with all these breakups more then they are :(
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 restless | |
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or at least I wish I could.
So he comes crawling back, to a place much closer to me, literally.
He is distant and quiet all night, so is that that?
Belive jackie, just believe |
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I'm getting tired, tired of writing about the same stuff. Tired of going through the motions of the only way I know how to deal with these things. Today the thought crossed my mind: what if this is how it always will be? so i guess that should be an indication that something needs to change. i guess it's moronic to say that I don't know what to do to change this.. doing the simple opposite. clearly havent done that, mostly cuz i'm a coward and don't know how. I really really really want to believe that this will happen for me, but i'm so DAMN tired of believing I have found that I can make everything happen in the world for me, I have proof of this, but this just isn't working for me. never has I don't even know what to say, I don't even know what to do, I don't even know.
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it's not her fault, It's def not his fault it's mine.... I have to deal with it.. "Don't Cock Block" she says... fine... but when exactly is it my turn??? is that too much to ask? It would appear it is |
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I think a diary would be more appropriate then posting stuff on LJ but there is something soothing about knowing that a very select few people will read this, and i don't know about you, but I certainly don't talk about the stuff posted here to others. so i'm on a diet... not the food kind another kind and because of this diet its gotten me to thinking.
I've analyzed why there is such a need for commitment and vulnerability between people.
Why we are so god damn insecure
and the reasons people act as they do. I've become and observer to my own and others lives. I've been watching relationships because i'm contemplating everyones need for one. If you know me I think you would have a hard time picturing me as a married housewife, or at least I sure hope you do. It's something that I have never ever dreamed of and in fact makes me physically ill to think of. It's simply not my thing. Same as how I'll never have kids or own a house in he suburbs... hopefully someone will put me out of my misery should this happen. Now i'm sure you're all thinking " well.. you say this now... but you never know" and this is true, however should I remain more or less the same person I am now, and i have no intentions of changing, then the horrors of the housewife life will hopefully never fall on me. ( i do not judge anyone who chooses this life, it's simply not me)
From the mouth of my closest friend " you'll never be married but will have a series of live-in boyfriends... and they will be hot" I think that about sums it up ha ha
I remember watching sex and the city and wondering which character I could be. I went through a faze of feeling like charlotte because I was a goody goody to carrie because of the clothing obsession( it literally looks like my closet threw up.. ask my roommate it's a running joke) miranda because i can be slightly intimidating career wise and have currently landed on Samantha. I used to think that to be Sam would be a shameful thing, but ask many many older women ( or at least the ones i've talked to) and they have all said that they valued their freedom and would actually very much like the chance to be like Samantha. She's often seen as a whore, or a girl that gets around, by women who are "happily" married but I can understand where she is coming from. My fav moment in the SATC movie was when she broke up with her highly attractive boyfriend to live her own life. It was like telling the world that you can live your life without the boy and be fine on your own. there is no shame This rant I think stems from the girls who constantly ask me " why don't you have a boyfriend" "why did you end it with that guy, he was great?" or the ever classic "so it just ended?..... why didn't you guys keep going out?"
people people people... i'm not a freak... i'm just not ready to be a sheep in the flock of marriage or even hard core relationships. And i'm damn proud of it. I have my whole life to do this! Literal decades ahead of me where I may very well be in a serious relationship. Why should we all feel the pressure to commit ourselves to one person? I'm not saying it's wrong to do this, I'm simply saying it's okay to not, but it is wrong to shame someone for not picking your lifestyle. So to sum up, people in relationships, CONGRATS enjoy blah blah blah but please don't pass judgement on me because you hated being single and therefore assume I hate it too. I like my freedom thank you very much, and am sure I will love love when it comes to me, but i'm happy not looking for it now. Yay i really needed to get that off my chest
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With poor results, but it still happened.. and only within a day! wow am i ever amazing eh?
kinda sucked but it opened my eyes a little...
how does that bad 90s song go?
.. I get knocked down, but i get up gain, never gonna get me down.... |
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K well i feel like the 'Why?" question has been answered but I dont want to answer to the problem the problem being i'm apparently a coward,, which seems fitting to the fact that i don't want to deal with it Ha I'm generally not the kid who jumps in the pool, ( unless i have been drinking or have been pushed) I test the waters... and that, my friend, is the issue But jumping is so scary
Hence, being a coward
I'm talking myself in a circle
I make too many excuses.. that is my issue
so no more excuses.. do as the cellphone tells you
jump in the pool, say what you have to say, if it doesnt work try again,
IT WONT BE THE END OF THE WORLD I am not allowed to post on this till I have done something that wasn't choosing the cowardly way out.
There you may never hear from me again............
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 hopeful | |
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none of them are you! |
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Listen up god, higher power, whatever the heck is out there, I have a bone to pick with you did something happen to me, did I get cursed at some point here? ....the above is the beginning of a post i was writing on monday. what stopped you one might ask? well the object of this frustration started talking again. However since there has been little to no talking since. I feel like that was who ever it is up there, it was their way of laughing at me... again. I'm not laughing at all! gahhh I guess my only question is when will this stop happening to me? when will this stuff start playing fair? I want a reason to have hope on this stuff again, but my desire to try is very quickly slipping away. I really dont want to say 'I give up" but i'm less then two steps away from it Well i'm off to fail an OB final
does life GET any better?
Current Mood: |
 annoyed | |
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For me to be all weird about some current situation in my life. i guess if you are familiar with the Romeo and Juliet situation then its something like that. Only more soap operaish, less dying, and not so much him knowing about the family feud. plus his arch enemy being in love with me. Intense eh? Oh how weird my life can be some times.
I find something that looks plausible.. it would figure that it would be a very difficult situation. I guess if it's something you have to work for then it's worth it right? right? |
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-He's "in love" with me -he hates lover-boy - I like lover- boy-hater -he just wants to be friends again, or so he texts late at night -Before lover-boy-hater came around late-night-texter was acting too friendly.. and i didnt mind -I hated myself for not minding late-night-texter cuz I know way better then that -Lover-boy-hater is unreadable.. kinda.. and has an awesome truck.. yum -First encounter after the fact was in a pool.... big leap over that awkward moment i guess. -I love trucks truck-lover + Lover-boy-hater=............ To be continued
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anxious | |
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So I've always prepared my own answer to my own problem. it seemed to make sense and i packaged it up in a little box and put it in the corner and accepted it. Today on the bus ride back to the island ( albeit exhausted and medicated within an inch on my life) a new answer came to me, or rather, I remembered something. If you can call it remembering, it was more like flashes of old emotions. Something that I has never occurred to me, which makes sense because it so completely far fetched and, hopefully impossible, to be true. But there's no way that there isn't a grain of truth .. am i telling a lie if i tell someone my theory. Will i be seen as a crazy person. Will anyone believe me. and am i ready to share this theory. I still think i'm crazy for even thinking it...... I'm kinda scaring myself now. did this really happen to me? It would explain so much
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scared | |
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I used to do this thing when I lived at home Whenever I was bored and couldn't go out I would sulk for a couple hours and try to make other plans.. then I would give up and watch a movie or tv and then I would do something creative. It's like a rule, the only time of day that I can be truly truly creative is early early in the morning ( say between 1-4) I just get this empowered feeling and I just ..create.. and for the first time in awhile, I did this today. Now typically for me this would mean that I would either A: make clothing or B: write but tonight it was something that i hadn't done in quite awhile. I drew. I forgot about the flow you get when you draw.. it just goes.. you start out bad but you will always improve on it. it just takes shape in front of you with minimal effort , it's just the most beautiful feeling and i'm overwhelmed by it right now. I'm riding the Artists high and it is a beautiful thing! |
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I am sooooo mixed up right now.. I don't even know.. maybe a new year will clear that up aarrggghhhhh where are my honest people when I need them
Current Mood: |
 confused | |
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why there are so many colours? Or if there are more? or what if other people see different ones for different names? Why some people associate colours with letter?
and how does that tell us something about ourselves among these thoughts I have been having other ones
Such as:
why do all roads lead back to you?
no matter what I do or where I go, you appear Do any of the others ever have a chance while you are still around?
will they ever?
how do i fix this problem?
I guess dealing with it would be step number one. It's like i've become numb to every other sensation since you've been around and I want nothing more then to feel again but it just wont come back, You broke me and it's all your fault but I have no one to blame but myself
I guess i'll have to be okay with that and make due with what I already have ( exasperated sigh)
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